SHRINE OF THE TIMES

April 20, 1969
Cave Dive Into My Biggest Obsession!

SPELUNKING INTO THE WORLD OF SLOPPY JANE

LOS ANGELES Born in NYC in 1995 and raised in Los Angeles, Haley Dahl started the first iteration of Sloppy Jane in 2009 at the young age of 15. Their first demo albums Totally Limbless, shortly followed by Burger Radio were not released until 2014, in January and May respectively. Both were self-released; Burger Radio was a UCLA college radio recording that is no longer available to buy or stream anywhere.

The Sloppy Jane of the early 2010s looks and sounds very different from the Sloppy Jane of nearly a decade later. It is Dahl's great "Ship of Theseus" project. She has remained the consistent spearhead of the band, which has gone through countless iterations of members, aesthetics, and genres, metamorphising from a screaming teenage riot-grrl post-punk band with pyrotechnics and nudity to an operatic, baroque art-rock cave orchestra with themed nights and recommended dress codes like "black tie casual" for concert attendees.

Continued on page 2.


class labeled appropriate for all sub-headlines, experts say

Readers and journalists alike are all aflutter over shocking new claims regarding a lesser-used level of title depth. A less important headline may vary in size, but only use the third depth of heading unless it is truly subordinate, to remain consistent with semantic heading law.

Meanwhile, some users of blockquotes have expressed frustration at being asked to use arbitrary custom entities to recreate the basic qualities of their element.

"They pulled out my text and used it for emphasis," said one user, who has asked to remain anonymous. "And they can't even give me a simple built in solution for it! Just make it one element, or don't do it at all, that's what I say." Another expressed concerns about about the inconsistency of the internal schema: "Most of these stylesheets, they use divs and spans with the names to tell it what to do—why the sudden change? It just seems weird, you know? It's unprofessional. They can't even make the blockquote look right when it's in certain spots on the page either."

"We had to add an entire paragraph just to make this page look right," admits senior editor Notegg R. Amen, shaking their head. "It's ridiculous. Can't we expect better after all these years? We only implemented clearfix last month, and half the blueprints still use minimum height requirements as a kludge anyway."

"This is a block quote"

Cascading style sheets architect Eggy Ramen declined to comment on the matter, saying, "Translating a static layout to a resizable webpage is difficult work" and "I make what I make."

Continued on page 3.


THE HIDDEN FILES

A recent interest in lost media has led me to deeper corners of the Internet than I had ever sought out before. After months of digging and hitting dead-ends, I managed to acquire the buried mp3 files for Burger Radio, which was a massive breakthrough in my Sloppy Jane academic career. But I knew there must be still more out there.

In my obsessive feats of investigative journalism, though the existence of surviving recordings for most of the songs still elude me, I uncovered the existence of several unheard-of and unreleased albums:

Continued on page 5.


Lorem Ipsum declared most popular placeholder text for 26th year in a row

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Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?

Continued on page 2.


January 1, 1970
Your News That Doesn't Exist!

NASA Announces First Lunar Base Football Match, Team Composition

At the behest of the lunar base astronauts, NASA has declared approval for an official lunar football match involving twenty-three astronauts across the two major moon bases, Artemis and Selene, meeting at a newly constructed field just a quarter mile from the Artemis mission's primary hydro-crater.

Fans will be able to observe the match from home via live broadcast and streaming from official NASA sources.

According to a particularly frazzled-looking member of the ground control team we interviewed on their brisk walk home to their apartment, "John Madden? Exclamation point. Question mark? Exclamation point. Question mark." ■


Lorem Ipsum declared most popular placeholder text for 26th year in a row

Continued from front page.

"At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus," explains Roman philosopher Cicero, having time-traveled forward from approximately 45 BC, "qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint occaecati cupiditate non provident."

Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur?

"Similique sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. Et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. Nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio cumque nihil impedit quo minus id quod maxime placeat facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. Temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat."

Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?


"This is a subtitle," says secondary header headline

Continued from front page.

Honestly I'm not very impressed with the security in here. They literally left the fire escape window of the employee lounge open? It was only a matter of time before someone climbed in there, so I think it's for the best it was me. Also, I tried making some coffee in their coffee maker and it made a really awful gurgling noise and spat out several clumps of coffee-like gloop instead, which tasted terrible, so I think they lose points for employee perks as well.

The banging on the door is getting louder and I think I heard someone with a walkie-talkie, so I'm just going to send this to print.

All in all, 5/10 newspaper. I would dock more points for poor hospitality, but I've been reading for years and their articles usually are quite good, especially the illustrated ones about that little boy with the tiger. ■


Something is terribly wrong

Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong.

Advertisement: Going on a road trip? Think again, moron! You don't even own a car! (If you do own a car, disregard this ad.) This ad brought to you by the Noodle City targeted advertising initiative.

January 1, 1970
Your News That Doesn't Exist!

OFFICIAL LUNAR FOOTBALL MATCH

At the behest of the lunar base astronauts, NASA has declared approval for an official lunar football match involving twenty-three astronauts across the two major moon bases, Artemis and Selene, meeting at a newly constructed field just a quarter mile from the Artemis mission's primary hydro-crater.

Fans will be able to observe the match from home via live broadcast and streaming from official NASA sources.

According to a particularly frazzled-looking member of the ground control team we interviewed on their brisk walk home to their apartment, "John Madden? Exclamation point. Question mark? Exclamation point. Question mark." ■


Lorem Ipsum declared most popular placeholder text for 26th year in a row

Continued from front page.

"At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus," explains Roman philosopher Cicero, having time-traveled forward from approximately 45 BC, "qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint occaecati cupiditate non provident."

Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur?

"Similique sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. Et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. Nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio cumque nihil impedit quo minus id quod maxime placeat facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. Temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat."

Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?


"This is a subtitle," says secondary header headline

Continued from front page.

Honestly I'm not very impressed with the security in here. They literally left the fire escape window of the employee lounge open? It was only a matter of time before someone climbed in there, so I think it's for the best it was me. Also, I tried making some coffee in their coffee maker and it made a really awful gurgling noise and spat out several clumps of coffee-like gloop instead, which tasted terrible, so I think they lose points for employee perks as well.

The banging on the door is getting louder and I think I heard someone with a walkie-talkie, so I'm just going to send this to print.

All in all, 5/10 newspaper. I would dock more points for poor hospitality, but I've been reading for years and their articles usually are quite good, especially the illustrated ones about that little boy with the tiger. ■


Something is terribly wrong

Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Something is terribly wrong.

Advertisement: Going on a road trip? Think again, moron! You don't even own a car! (If you do own a car, disregard this ad.) This ad brought to you by the Noodle City targeted advertising initiative.